Tuesday, January 12, 2010

From Conan's Monologue last night

NBC executive Jeff Gaspin told reporters on Sunday that he was giving Conan O'Brien and crew the weekend to think about the network's offer to bump "The Tonight Show" to 12:05, when, as someone pointed out, it's technically "The Tomorrow Show."

Well, apparently Conan and Co. spent at least some of that time cooking up more jokes. Here is what he told audiences at tonight's (Monday's) taping of "Tonight," followed by Craig Ferguson's not-entirely-sympathetic comments, also delivered tonight.

Good evening. I'm Conan O'Brien, the new host of "Last Call with Carson Daly."

This weekend no one was seriously hurt, but a 6.5 earthquake hit California. The earthquake was so powerful that it knocked Jay Leno's show from 10 o'clock to 11:35.

Everybody now wants to know what my plans are. All I can say is that I plan to continue putting on a great show night after night- while stealing as many office supplies as humanly possible.

On the positive side, I have learned a valuable lesson from all this: never sign a contract that ends with the word "NOT."

NBC announced that they expect to lose $200 million on the Winter Olympics next month. Is it just me or is that story hilarious? [And then later in the monologue....]

As I mentioned, NBC is shaking up its late night lineup yet again. They want to move Jay Leno back to 11:35. And there are a lot of rumors about what I'm going to do.

I've got a lot of options. I thought I'd share some of them with you right now..

I could...

Host the Tonight Show at 12:05

Star in a Lifetime original movie about a woman trapped in an abusive relationship with her network.

Go to ABC and star in a male redhead version of 'Cougartown' called 'Redwolf Village'.

Host a show on B.E.T. called 'White All Night'.

Move to FOX and follow their hit "24" with a new show called "24:05."

Televise my own colonoscopy on the Bravo Channel in a show called 'Project Funway'.

Convince NBC to let me keep this time slot if I can gain 10 pounds of chin.

Andy and I will become a team of wacky morning DJ's called 'Big Red And The Booger'.

Pretend to put my son in a giant foil balloon, then sit back and watch the offers come pouring in!

Perform the show live every night from Zanies Comedy Club at 7:30 and 9:30. (1/2 price drinks if you tell 'em "Coco" sent ya!)

Bring sanity back to NBC by hiring Gary Busey as head of programming.

Leave television altogether and work in a classier business with better people, like hard core porn.

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