Monday, August 4, 2008

Total Douchebag. Article from Rare Magazine

Never have I had more response than the "Douchebag article" that I wrote for Rare Magazine last month. I refer to this article as "Ode to Bobby Bones". Very fitting for this a-hole. Isn't it horrible when you try to do some good in your industry and you have complete d-bags ruining your industry by making it as moronic as possible. Real "lowest common denominator" material.

Anyway, enjoy the dbag article from last months Rare Magazine:

My absolute goal here today is to talk to those of you who are young men in your twenties. I work with a lot of young women and they came to me and asked if I could do something about all the men in their twenties. They can’t stand them because they claim they all act like total douche bags. I completely understand why they date men in their thirties. Young men in your twenties, you ARE acting like total douche bags! Stop it right now. It’s absolutely out of control.

What has happened in recent years. I promised them I would do my part to try to get the word out. Douchism is very similar to narcissism, but with more cheeseball flair. Sometimes even being “cocky” is acceptable, if you can back it up, but being a DB is uncalled for and you do not impress anyone. Let me fill you in on what a douche bag is and you can decipher for yourself if you ARE one.

Are you a douchebag? Pop quiz number 1:

When you go out with your boys for the evening, does your outfit head to toe cost more than your monthly rent?

Have you ever spent more than $200 on a pair of sunglasses and do you put them on top of your head even if you are going out after dark?

Do you watch “The Hills” and not get completely frustrated with the guys?

Do you deny that you work at a kiosk in the Mall?

Have you upgraded your phone so many times that you are now up to a 10 year contract with your provider?

Do you pay the valet guy an extra 20 to put your Honda up front and does it have a huge exhaust system?

Do you overuse nicknames for women with your buddies? Ex: “Check out that baby, honey, cougar, kitten, spinner, etc…

Do you love Bottle Service at bars?

Do you look at the ads in GQ or a Brit Pop musician?

Have you modified your name to give it hairdresser type flair, such as changing Gerald to JuRahld?

Do you pick out shirts based on how the material feels or if your nipple ring with show?

Do you have a hookup at the gym to get supplements that you don’t see at a GNC?

Do you ever wear compression gear when your NOT working out?

Do you like it when people think you are talking to them when you are shouting to your Bluetooth earpiece?

Do you act like a big baller on a Vegas trip and have 8 guys crashing in one room?

Do you think it’s o.k. to jump in with a group of girls dancing with each other?

Do you talk about yourself in third person?

Do you have more than one type of hair styling product and/or do you use more than one mirror to look at your hair from other angles?

Are you a douchebag? Do you use any of this terminology on a regular basis?

Pop quiz number 2.


n.: a bad situation.

“Looks like we may have a shituation on our hands, I don’t know either of those door guys”

A Bag o' Beagles

Term used to ridicule a woman with a less than fit posterior.

“She shouldn’t even try to squeeze into 7’s sportin a bag o’ beagles like that.”

Textual Relations

To engage in dirty talk with ones partner via text message.

“Hold on dog, go on outside to smoke without me, I’m in mid textual relations with that baby from earlier tonight.”

Rut ro

“Uh oh” in Scooby doo language.

“Rut ro, looks like JuRahld (I) done forgot his ATM card.”


A term used to describe girlfriends that kiss at bars when drunk, usually do get attention. The female DB.

“Let’s roll up on dem barsexuals, smells of easy pickins, love dem bachelorette partays.”

Make it rain

Term used by a DB to convince the bouncer they are going to spend a lot of money if he let’s his posse in. It will be raining currency.

“Yo dog, we’ve been on da wrong side da velvet rope for over an hour. We promise to make it rain once we get in.”


This is what DB’s do to each other when on opposite sides of the room. It’s a pretend, mid-air hi five, usually because he’s talking to a girl.

“Why you wi-fivin that a-hole. He tried to steal your look.”

Clark Kent job.

This is what most DB’s call their job. It’s an excuse for why they work at a kiosk. Just a day job, a cover for saving the planet.

“Selling gyro-copters at the mall is just my Clark Kent job, me and my boys are working on building one of the skyscraper condo deals.”


Someone who asks many stupid, pointless, obnoxious questions. Most DB’s are askholes themselves, but don’t know it.

“Who you callin askhole, askhole?”


Some poor girl mistakenly gave a DB her number and he starts texting her that same night. This is the lag time between the DB asking if he can come over and her response.

“I’m throwin it out there to meet her at an after hours party, but my textpectations tell me she’ll reply to just come over to my place to break of a piece o’ me.”

So now I think you get the idea. If you answered yes, to any part of quiz one or use terms far too often in quiz two, it’s time to, as Dr. Phil would say, “take a look at yourself.” Try not to hate me for laying it all out there for you. I wish someone would have had this talk with me when I was 22. I wasn’t at the level of the douche bags of today, but I had to look pretty silly as a Tony Robbins protégé in the heyday of Nirvana. I can never redo that, but you still have time. Next time you go out, just wear a plain white undershirt. If you are worried that you can’t get into your club of choice wearing that, you don’t need to be going there anyway.

And as for you twenty something chicks, I hold you partially responsible for this mess we are in today. If you would stop talking to these guys and giving them your phone numbers, this would all go away and you wouldn’t have to pull and Anna Nicole and date 90 year old men.


Unknown said...

Total brilliance. As a now 31 year-old woman, I wish someone would have had this conversation about DB's with me in my 20's!

DrGilmore said...

I don't know if you've seen this site but its worth some total laughs. And I blame girls my age for continuing this douchebaggery. Ugh.

Hope you guys found your fried bologna sandwhich.