Thursday, February 21, 2008

From the winter issue of Austin Monthly Home

Here is an article I wrote that just ran in the winter issue of Austin Monthly Home:

I am admittedly not the biggest socialite in the world. I tend to shy away from big parties and club events, but I do love to go into peoples homes. It’s brave of people to invite friends and acquaintances in their home. Secretly they are being judged on so many things; beauty, taste, art, interest, cleanliness. Why would you want to subject yourself to such scrutiny? If you’re starting to feel a little relaxed in your life, a little normal, I have just the recipe to shake all that up and send you into a tailspin. Throw a party at your home.

Like I said, I’m not much of a party person. My wife on the other hand, loves a party, but has an absolutely freak out anxiety attack leading up to one at our house. It’s a very legitimate reason to get nervous. We live by a pretty simple motto, “she’s freaking out, I’m freaking out. I’m freaking out, our daughter is freaking out, my daughter is freaking out, the dog starts spinning in circles and eating all the fur off her tail.” We have all this embroidered on a pillow somewhere.

Nothing makes a woman freak out like the pressures of hosting a party and letting all of her friends and peers see, sniff and feel her house. The pressures of acquaintances seeing where we eat, sleeps and bathe can be overwhelming. Guys on the other hand, we just figure “fire up the big screen, throw a cheese ball on the table and the rest will sort itself out.” Unfortunately, for adults, entertaining is not summed up with a plasma screen and wadded cheese. We have to rise to the occasion and host a party. That means that in the final days leading up to your party you will have to hunker down and finish about 3 years worth of projects in your spare time.

Here’s what to expect:

She is going to ask you to do every project outside the house that you never wanted to do. Clean the roof and gutters, trim the bushes, mow, edge and pressure wash everything you own. Be careful with the pressure washer. I busted ours out before our last party and took the paint of the front door and the hair off our dog. After you spend a backbreaking day or two bringing your lawn and trees up to par, expect to spend the day of the party strategically place citronella every two feet. You will spend your most recent paycheck in it’s entirety on tiki torches. Women love these, they think that it can make our raggedy back yard look like a Hawaiian retreat. Regardless of how much toxic citronella your guests breathe in, they are all still going to be swatting at mosquitoes all night and reaching for the bug spray. Have plenty on hand. Men, you should expect to have 4-6 major cuts and bruises, and handful of bee stings and you will most likely fall off the roof at least once in your party preparation. You’ll spend a fortune at Home Depot and make at least a dozen trips in the final 48 hours. The man’s job is also to do something with the pets. Heaven forbid, you are entertaining and people find out you have a pet. Most likely, you just don’t want your guests to see how unruly your pet is when human food is out on the table. The animals have to go somewhere, she doesn’t care where, just get them out of the house. Approximately 24 to 12 hours prior the party, you will make one of your trips to the Depot to buy about $500 worth of plants. Your job as the man is to get them into all the pots where the dead plants have been for the last three years.

You have handled your outdoor duties well gentlemen. She will handle the indoor duties. I hate to stereotype, but this is what happens. She will appear very busy, but most of the heavy lifting was handled when she lined up a housekeeping service to come the morning of the party and all the food was catered. She will make a big production out of “having to pick up the food”. I’m not trying to discredit it, walking from a restaurant to the car and then from the car to the house is not easy. It takes patience and a large SUV.

Here are some other final details that will need to be taken care of in the Final Hour. Candles, candles, candles. We want our friends to think we have invested in Wicks & Sticks and that our house always smells like Enchanting Patchouli.

You will be expected to put out reading materials that make you look smarter and more interesting, Time, The New Yorker, The Economist… and you will remove what you really read, People, Cosmo, Guns and Ammo.

You are going to fire up the stove that you haven’t used years and it’s going to fill the house with smoke burning off the last thing you tried to cook during The Clinton Administration.

You’ll select music that you don’t really like, Jazz, Easy Listening or heaven forbid, the Atmosphere Station, so you look smart.

Take a picture of your kids room because it will never look that nice until the next party.

Fresh flowers will need to go out and we’ll play it off as if we ALWAYS have fresh flowers just lying around.

Your friends will call in the final hour asking if you need anything, but they really don’t expect you to say yes, although you will ask one of them to stop for ice.

She will be telling you to hurry up since it’s time for the guests to arrive. You’ll shower and shave in 5 minutes just to prove that you would be ready on time. Then you will promptly get chastised for getting water everywhere and messing up the “good” towels.

Expect your least favorite couple to show up on time and an hour and a half before everyone else.

As your guests start to arrive two things will be going on simultaneously. You and your spouse will be bickering and pursing your lips and saying things like “I knew this was a bad idea” or “This is the last time we are doing this”. The comforting thing is that a similar thing is going on outside your front door just before each couple arrives. I’ve always had the theory that all couples fight on the way to a party and have some last minute squabbling right up until they ring the doorbell. “I told you I didn’t want to come to this and what did you do, you went right ahead !@$# and then you #!** and (ding dong)… Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, so good to see you… and your house looks looooooooooooovely and it smells wooooooooonderful!”

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